I had a bit of a hangover, and despite being one of the few sunny days, I thought I’d go and see one of this week’s big movies. I don’t normally talk about films as movies, but I think these two count.
So it was either The Simpsons Movie or Transformers. My local multiplex was basically just showing those two films and the latest Harry Potter, so you don’t have to worry about start times, as they all basically get a screening every half an hour all day long.
Now knowing me, some might be surprised by my choice – the title above kind of gives it away. And it’s not that I don’t like The Simpsons. It’s just that I really don’t watch it all that much. When I do watch it, it’s funny, but, it’s not the most important thing on TV.
So why Transformers?
I’m a bit too old to have every played with the toys, so it has no real heritage to me. Indeed, I’d no idea who the good guy was between Optimus Prime and Megatron (OK – the names do kind of give it away, but you know what I mean). But I’ve not really watched a major franchise film this summer with the exception of Die Hard – and that was a freebie. I didn’t see Spiderman 3. I certainly couldn’t bring myself to see Pirates 3. Fantastic Four means nothing to me, and I didn’t see the first one. Yet, I was intrigued, so I went in.
I really really should have known better. Two and a half long hours later, I saw the four words that every real film lover should hate to read: “A Michael Bay Film.”
Yes, I knew it was by him before I went in. And yes I’ve seen previous examples of his oeuvre. But I’ll give the man a chance.
Let me first get out the one decent thing about the film. The effects are really good. It’s kind of shame that you don’t really get much of a chance to appreciate them, since the cutting and camera work means that everything goes by in a blur. Maybe they’re actually terrible, and by not having the camera dawdle, you can’t tell.
Everything else is pretty terrible. The script is too long, and is basically rubbish. It makes little to no sense, and while it’s always pretty ropey the way that young kids are roped into the plot, in this case it’s especially so.
The cast are inoffensive, but that’s about the best you can say for them. They mainly come from TV aside from cameos-for-cash from John Tuturro and Jon Voight. Megan Fox is a particularly unlikely romantic interest for Shia LaBeouf, with the camera lingering a little too long on her body when it gets the chance. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, except it some way shape or form, this is supposed to be a kids movie – albeit a 12A. She certainly doesn’t seem like a high school student. And while we’re at it, there’s an American Pie moment that also feels like it should be in another film.
Basically, the whole thing just doesn’t hang together. The plot makes no real sense, and there are holes all over the place. At various points different Transformers appear and disappear to meet the needs of the plot, but it’s never quite clear why Optimus Prime has only just chosen to appear, apart from dramatic effect. And I even found telling the difference between them all problematical.
The dialogue was just about drowned out by the sound effects, although that might actually have been a good thing.
Overall, then, an awful film with very little redeem itself.