The Orphanage

I went to see The Orphanage today, and I’ll get onto that shortly.
But first, can I just highlight what a joyless experience Cineworld made it for me. It began when I phoned the cinema’s automated ticket booking line. As is the way with these things, it’s all voice activated these days, which invariably means saying “No” repeatedly when the system thinks that you’re trying to book tickets to “The Hottie and the Nottie” or worse.
Eventually the system drops away from the pointlessly flawed voice activation system when it gets my clear instructions wrong and reverts to the somewhat more sensible button system. If my mobile phone supplier believes that’s the smarter way of doing things, why do cinemas insist in continuing to use these voice systems?
Maybe it’s the cynic in me who thinks that it’s all a ploy to get a bit more cash from the 0871 phone number. It eventually takes nearly five minutes to find out what films are on and what time my selection is showing at.
I didn’t book the film over the phone incidentally, as I thoroughly object to paying a “booking fee” for the privilege of buying my ticket automatically rather than paying a (more expensive to employ) person. In any case, it seems that half the time, the collection machines are out of action meaning that you don’t miss out on queuing anyway.
I began to regret my principled stand when I got to the cinema with just a few minutes to go before the film was scheduled to start and saw a long and trailing queue. There are only two ticket windows open out of a possible six. And despite someone putting their head into the ticket office, they don’t bother opening a further window, preferring to leave their lonely colleagues to cope with the hoardes.
I purchase my tickets (the cinema hasn’t bothered with chip and pin devices – too expensive?) and with a couple of minutes spare, I think that maybe I’ll buy some over-priced popcorn and a Diet Coke. I know why the prices are high, and to an extent accept them. So I head over to the concession stand ready to hand over many pounds. There are two long queues, but a further five people are standing behind the counter talking to another but not serving. When I approach one of them, I’m politely told that they’re not on duty and that I need to stand behind the ten kids. If staff are on a break, can I suggest they retire to a staff room rather than annoying queuing patrons?
Needless to say, Cineworld lost out on my purchase. I headed into the screen.
The adverts had just started, and I couldn’t help but notice a giant stain right down the middle of the screen. It’s right in the centre, and it’s enormous, running well over half the height of the screen. Every time we see a well lit bright scene in one of the ads, I can’t help but stare at the stain which looks like it might have been made by someone throwing a soft drink at the screen.
Fortunately The Orphanage is fairly dark, so I’m not distracted too much during the feature, although the stain is staring out at me in well lit parts of the film. But there’s one final little surprise in store. During the screening, a security guard traipses through the cinema on no less than three separate occasions. At one point (and bear in mind that this is horror/thriller film that works by building quiet suspense) his radio actually goes off and he starts to have a conversation with a colleague while he’s still inside the screen. Orange spend millions on their excellent campaigns to have customers switch their mobile phones off. But security guards can wander around the screen talking on their radios as much as they like.
The question must be asked: why do I bother going to see films in such surroundings?
Well you know what, I’ll be thinking long and hard before I go back to this particular cinema. If I’m to pay a premium price for the experience of seeing a film on the big screen, then cinemas need to actually make the whole thing an easy and pleasant experience. Today, that wasn’t the case. With large widescreen high definition TVs becoming the norm, alongside digital surround sound systems, I get a better quality experience at home. And the DVD will end up being cheaper than the price I paid to watch the film. I suggest that Cineworld and others who mismanage their multiplexes had better buck their ideas up.
So what about the film itself? Well it’s excellent. I need to be really careful about what I say about it, because it could really affect your enjoyment of the film. Suffice to say that two parents and their young son move into a large house on the Catalan coast which was once an orphanage that the mother lived in.
But their son has his some unusual friends. Are they imaginary? Are they real? I’m not going to tell you, and I’m not going to say any more about the plot except to say that it’s tone is very reminiscent of The Others. It’s well worth hunting down.


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5 responses to “The Orphanage”

  1. Steve Weiner avatar
    Steve Weiner

    What a load of old rubbish, if you cant use that system to order tickets then you are at fault, i have used this system since it was introduced some while ago and have NEVER had any issues, i have ordered tickets within in minutes and had listings of the films.
    EVERY COMPANY employs a system of ticket prebooking price, it is the way now, and has been for years, you are lucky you dont have to pay £3.00 per ticket for other events.
    As for your pathetic comment about chip and pin, it has nothing to do with expense, it is computer program issues that need to be addressed and they are as we speak, a large number opf the cinemas are converting to c and p and within a few months hopefully they will all be c and p.
    If you are stupid enough to go to the cinema just a few minutes b4 the film started thats your problem, the majority of people reaslise that it gets busy at cinemas and arrange to get there early or prebook….
    I am sure you would be the first to complain if something happened in the screen like a disturbance, you seem the sort, and if a security guard was not in evidence again ia m sure you would kick off and cause grief to the staff.
    If this was my cinema i would actively ask you never to come back as you seem the sort to cause problems rather than try and avoid them.
    As for mismanage, i would love to see you trey and organise a multiplex, and as for a review, this is the lamest excuse for a review i have ever seen, three and half lines….. thank god Jonathan Ross is not as bad as this.

  2. Jon Melville avatar

    Have to say that I agree with 99% of what you say here Adam, I actively avoid Cineworld these days.
    I had a bad experience when I went to see The Assassination of Jesse James last year, when some alarm kept going off in the last 40 minutes or so, possible due to the fire exit door being ajar.
    If you are trying to concentrate you really don’t want to be the one who gets up to tell the staff about it as you’ll probably miss some key point of the film.
    Here in Edinburgh we’re lucky that we have some great arthouse/independent type cinemas, the Cameo and the Filmhouse, both right in the centre of town. And if you become a member for £20 or so a year you get some free tickets and money off most tickets. And it’s a different crowd from the Cineworld. There are still some sods with individually wrapped sweets though…
    Cineworld are aiming at a different audience in the main, who view cinema as disposable – the Hottie and the Nottie rather than the Orphanage. It’s great they are showing the latter though, just a shame you have to go through all the rubbish to get to it.
    I can’t see a problem in expecting more than a couple of people selling tickets on a busy night, makes sense to get as much money in as possible.

  3. Adam Bowie avatar

    Steve: Just because “every company” uses a pre-booking system where you pay a premium does not mean I have to like it.
    If you buy in a computer system, then it’s much cheaper in the long term than paying for people at the ticket office to take cash. In other words, I believe that I’m saving the company money by booking in advance. I should get a discount for booking via an automated service, not be penalised by being charged a premium. EasyJet, Ryanair and many insurers all charge you less if you use their automated systems.
    The chip and pin comment is just surprise that the cinemas have not adopted the new system. To me it also suggests an overall lack on investment in their product. Something that is also the case when the screen is covered in a stain. That’s simply not on. I will never see another film in screen 11 until they’ve properly cleaned or replaced the screen. Simple as that.
    I know that distributors are paranoid about people videoing the screen, and I’m more than happy that there are security guards to stop rowdy kids being a nuisance. The two dozen or so people in the 4pm screening of a foreign language film don’t fall into that category fortunately. But keeping your radio on is as annoying as someone keeping their phone on.
    Do you work for Cineworld at all Steve?
    You say that you wouldn’t want my custom because I cause “problems” by paying for a ticket and taking a seat?
    Wow. You sure do know about customer service!
    I tell you what. You tell me which cinema you work for and I can make sure our paths never cross.
    If my review was a bit short then it’s because I had such a joyless experience at the cinema yesterday, that I didn’t feel like writing much more. In any case, I feel this is a film that you should go into knowing less about rather than more.
    Jon: I do work in London, so there’s no real excuse for me bothering with the local multiplex. I recently saw There Will Be Oil at the Screen on the Green, and the experience was far more enjoyable.
    I once lived in Edinburgh not far from either the Cameo or the Filmhouse, so I know what fine establishments they both are. I just believe that if cinema owners – especially the multiplex owners – made the experience a little more special, then I’d be happier going to their cinemas. When I film comes along that I want to see I have a choice: I perhaps a choice of cinemas to see it in. I can wait for it to come out on DVD, I can watch it on a movie channel, I can download it, or I can wait for to come on to normal TV. The Mail on Sunday will perhaps one day give it away free! Why not make that choice easier for me?

  4. Kevin Spencer avatar

    Those voice recognition systems are really amusing, as long as I’m not the one using them. The other day I was getting a cup of coffee at work and overheard someone in their cube going “one. ONE. ONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD OH FOR F**K’S SAKE”.
    Goodness, I appear to have been away from England for far too long – what is a ‘chip & pin’ system? Presumably that’s like Debit Cards over here in the US. You swipe your card, enter a PIN, and the money comes directly out of your bank account?

  5. Adam Bowie avatar

    Chip and Pin is pretty much that. The cards all have a chip which they largely use instead of the magnetic strip (since they can easily be faked/duplicated) and you use a PIN to determine payment.
    Pretty much every shop from the smallest newsagent to the largest supermarket has readers since, I believe, unless you, as a retailer, use one, you’re not covered for fraud any longer.
    (Cineworld, still use signatures.)
    What I “love” about the voice recognition system is that it actually promotes the company behind this feeble technology in the introductory spiel – http://www.telephoneticsvip.co.uk