Have I mentioned before that I hate the Brits? Well – yes I have.
Having studiously avoided them for several years now (despite working for a music radio station), I decided to watch this year simply because the Pet Shop Boys are getting the award for Outstanding Contribution to Music.
But this is dire.
I suppose at least they’re not recording to a show a day after the event – as far as I can gather, it’s only on a relatively short delay. But in no particular order, here are the things I hate about the Brits based on this evening’s show:
#1 The screaming Brits school kids
#2 Winners seemingly knowing that they’ll win (Katy Perry came off her sickbed because she was told she should), and betting closed in one category earlier today
#3 Tables of indifferent record company execs and assorted hangers on (£7500 a table folks) waiting for the after-parties
#4 Strange pauses in procedings (does nobody rehearse this stuff?)
#5 Constant screaming
#6 Fearne Cotton
#7 Way more presenters than need be
#8 The public voting winners
#9 The record industry divvying up the winners
#10 Unnecessary costume changes
#11 Unfunny presenter scripts
#12 Lawyers getting to vote winners (Yes – really. The voiceover women said so)
#13 Big name in music, Jamie Oliver
#14 The screaming
#15 Unfunny pre-recorded winners’ clips (e.g. Paul Weller)
#16 Fearne Cotton’s interviewing technique seemingly carried out in an empty aircraft hanger. Can you hear the echo – echo – echo?
#17 …and from mobiles will be considerably more… (What type of phones do you think people most likely to vote for this award will have?)
#18 God – the screaming never stops…
#19 Going behind the scenes to interview the presenter before he or she has gone on to present.
#20 Americans thinking England = UK (but still being far more professional than anybody else)
#21 No on-screen captions. How am I suppose to know who the idiots in the Logan’s Run jumpsuits on the Close Encounters spaceship are supposed to be? Yes… I guessed.
#22 Laboured video gags (again… I quite liked the fact that Iron Maiden are able to win this award, but I bet some producer made them do that at the end)
#23 The idea that Radiohead, Girls Aloud, Take That, Coldplay and Elbow could all compete for the same award (“It’s reassuring to know that quality music does get recognised” says voiceover lady. What does that say about the Brits?)
#24 Ashley Cole looking thoroughly bored – actually, I quite liked that.
#25 People standing very much indifferently and chatting while Kings of Leon play – almost certainly not looking at the stage.
#26 Unsure what’s more offensive, the “Hoff” being sleazy or the fact that Fearne Cotton’s the object of his affections (kudos for knowing/being primed that Elbow have Wembley gigs though)
#27 Hilllllllaaaaarrrrious Craig David gags. They’re just brilliant!
#28 The “audio muted” soundtrack
#29 Hilllllllaaaaarrrrious gags from music specialist Gok Wan.
#30 Taking no responsibility for the “commercial radio” part of the British Single award.
#31 Wondering when Tom Jones stopped dying?
#32 Girls Aloud, Gok Wan, Alan Carr and Fearne Cotton all on the screen at the same time…
#33 Did I mention the screaming?
#34 The idea that this is available to buy.
#35 Brandon Flowers was 13 when Discography came out?!?
#36 The many faces of Louis Walsh.
#37 Duffy Diet Coke ads.
In the end, the PSB were pretty good, although perhaps not as awesome as they might have been.
I think it may be another five years until I next watch this, although following it on Twitter’s good fun.