I suppose I’m lucky that I don’t have Sky and get even more shopping channels. But Best Direct is one of the tackier ones I do receive. They’re one of those channels that just shows “infommercials” on loops. So one second it’s yet another weight-loss machine, and the next it’s an inflatable bed.
But last night I caught the best one ever – for Merlin. First of all we were told that the presentation was coming direct from the largest shopping centre in Europe – in Vienna! I’m sure that you’ll agree that such credentials are awe inspiring. Then we saw the sizeable set being set up in the middle of one of those atriums (atriaa?) that you get in the middle of Bluewater-style shopping centres.
Next we were told that the director of this particular infommerical was actually the best infommercial director working in Europe today. Wow! So we’re getting the Steven Spielberg/Martin Scorcese of infommericals. I settled back on the sofa for this.
Then we were introduced to our three presenters, all of whose names now escape me, despite the fact that we were repeatedly told them throughout the “presentation” as well as the location of the shopping centre where it was taped. They were all of either Austrian or German extraction. And at least one was supposedly a TV star. But then anyone can be a “star”. (As an aside, there’s an ad for a magazine on the tube at the moment boasting of it’s coverage of A List celebrities, and then featuring Abi Titmuss on the cover…)
Finally, after all these introductions were complete, the Merlin product was revealed to be… a food processor! But not just any kind of food processor. This one was 3D! Imagine that, much better than 2D or even 1D. Can you imagine trying to process your 3-dimensional food in a 2-dimensional food processor? And most food processors are only 1D we were told. Wow. It puts a whole new spin on such stories as Flatland. Food processing in multi-dimensional space is mind boggling.
Anyhow, the demo continued, and it became obvious that our Germanic speakers were being dubbed. Now if there’s one thing us Brits have never managed, it’s the art of dubbing. Somehow everyone seems to stand too close to the microphone and adopt a certain type of dubbing voice. Three presenters speaking rapid German meant three dubbers. And they kept up with the pace. I’m guessing the whole thing was not recorded with multi-track audio, so we had effects for when the processor whizzed around.
And there was the audience. It must be said, that the audience was a little sparce for such an important infommerical. But when it came to cutaways of them laughing at the feeble jokes, the noise they made was more akin to a packed comedy club in terms of both numbers and the size of the laugh. I guess something must have been lost in translation.
Needless to say, the presenters showed the boundless enthusiasm that only such presenters can. This only lessened when they realised how inadequate their previous food processors had been. Cut to mournful black and white footage of your more traditional kitchen fare.
The technology on show was astounding however. As well as having a whirlpool action, there was an intergral juicer with the device featuring a “nano-filter”! A bit like nanobots somehow I guess. What they really mean is that it comes with a filter with small holes. Nano actually refers to one-billionth. So in this case, the holes are what? One billionth of a KM? The fruit plunger was also talked up, although this a big bit of plastic to the fruit through the blender.
Oh yes, and finally it should be pointed out that your traditional food processors are big unweildy things that you can never move easily around from, say, your kitchen counter. I mean, what if you wanted to move it to your living room. A real pain right? Not the Merlin. It’s really small, so you can take it with you anywhere. And I’d imagine it’s especially useful for people with families of more than, oh, one person, since it can cope with such plentiful quantities.
Put me down for one!
(Incidentally, in the least exciting television slot ever, Attheraces is now showing an hours of Sky Vegas Live television at midnight. The only problem is that cable doesn’t have the intereactive part of it, so you can’t play along, in which case it’s literally a case of watching meaningless coloured balls being virtually chosen. My respect to the presenter who manages to keep talking and name checking the txt-like names people adopt. Sad buggers wasting their cash on these games however)